midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? I dont understand it. Innocent my arse!!!!! And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. Its so much pain. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will come stay here or what. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. This will never work. I lived through a 4 year EA my H had with a girl in grad school. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. You have done everything. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. But yet he refused to leave. And the next day I had another t shirt on and he was like where are all these t shirts coming from?, bc theyre just old t shirts and he hasnt seen them on me before so hes curious. It finally got through. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. I am having SUCH a horrific day today. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. Unfortunately I was. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. It is powerful. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! But im kind of in the same boat right now. But I know my cutting him loose and telling him he was free to go and I was done being a yo-yo in this M had some impact. Its indifference. You can get past this. Best of luck. When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. He said now he know i wasnt love. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. And I am much happier this way. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. I am abnormally sad, like a new low. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. I was shaking I was so angry. Even if he is talking to her. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. It is very difficult to talk to someone while they are in the fog. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. And part of me believes him, and part of me thinks you may be right about a possible different woman. You have heard all the same stuff we all have. I sure hope he comes around. I dont want to live like this. Its more him having these perceptions of me and the outside world, totally different then he used to. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. Shes not been complete gone if you ask me. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? That they are friends. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. Get him to do it and dont answer any questions about where youre going. However that should not stop you from insisting he sign some type of an agreement that will have him pay child support for his children for as long as necessary. You can also subscribe without commenting. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. Now I dont even know him. But he was very adament they are not speaking. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. And yet I havent even told him about it bc im terrified he will take that as an opportunity to make plans to go see the OW, or go do something else without us, or me inviting him will be turned into me trying to push us right back where we were. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. I think he feels deep down that he should be doing things a certain way, but then convinces himself no, I deserve to be happy. The holidays come and go. It is an addiction. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. Its like he is literally trying to push me out of the house. I learned this from my H cheating. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. Its all I had. Hahahaha the stuff that come out of his mouth was unbelievable and so far from reality. Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . He married you. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. Even when the girl came back I fought for him. 3. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. WTF!! He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. And when I do go home and he is there, he is so short with me as if I annoy him or have done something wrong. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. You have tried. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. ,telling him to be home, telling him to do this or do that, then he can continue to think shes doing this, shes making me feel this way. He may try to blame you. The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. and I think he knows that. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. DO NOT mention the A or EA or whatever he is doing. And he understood. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. Leave me out of the equation. Protect yourself. But its not necessarily him hating me, like I have felt. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? Whether that means through college or after, he cannot just walk away without living up to his responsibility as a father. Living like hes single but still getting to come home to me and the baby every night. Linda: No, and the consistency. She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. HORRIBLE. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. I dont think she sees how much it hurts me. Plain & simple! and he was done being married. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. I knew him 30 years and saw him in front of me and he was a completely different person. Not real. She is such a good person he would say to me. His emotional state was that rocky. Its easy to say I dont want him here, when hes here all the time. He has no right to put you in limbo. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. He is very selfish. And I think he knows it too. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. No fight. You can only change how you react to him. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. Im not going to accept it. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. You acknowledge when he is lying to you. Its just hard because she comes to our house( where I live ) manly because of the children. If I would have confronted you with the phone calls and you ended it, it would have been so much easier to forgive. Creston Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. Stay strong. You are tired of living in limbo. So sorry for you. I hope that it is. BTW after your married what was his schedule in terms of going out with friends? And I get it bc I am exhausted too. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. His actions are showing you what he wants. The only thing I can say is that I did not make a fool of myself or start drinking or acting like I was having a midlife crisis. Linda: I should not have done that. Doug: What you were saying about being intimate and going out and having fun and doing all that stuff, I do think cumulatively, that had an effect. I know down the road he would regret it. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. I couldnt agree more! I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. I wish I could control it. The most hurtful words I ever said. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. How sad it comes to that. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. He admitted it and a few weeks later he ended it with her. The only time it felt like he did was when I really made him leave and he felt remorseful and upset and was scared and I would barely speak to him for 4 days. All Rights Reserved. I told him I had nothing left to give him. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. It will help you and your marriage. I completely understand what you are going through. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? Living the single life. I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. Scary. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. He made that choice. Perhaps all those are possible, but I like to attribute it in most cases to the affair fog. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. You can read the comments from that discussion here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. Maybe im allowing him too much freedom and he will just love it. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. And he CONSTANTLY asks me if I want to go do something with my friends and he will keep the baby. I know where you are right now. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. Or smarter. Thank you for your advice Doug. Im not stopping you or controlling you. Did she get back in touch? Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. I thought we were past the A. Regroup. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. It can lead to a renewed marriage. But I was being calm and level headed. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. Let him start to see you are taking your power back. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. You know he is unreliable. She doesnt trust him. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. They are just blinded at the moment. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. I dont even know why I started it. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. Or someone who has high standards or morals. I dont know. The handwriting was on the wall. He didnt get home until 11:30, which honestly doesnt bother me, but what bothers me is that he is so unaware of how unreliable that makes him for me. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming.
Patrick Sandoval Parents, Articles M